Wednesday, 22nd March 2006
My Religion, The Religion of Cake
On Monday, for my last theory class of the year, “Intro to the Study of Religions”, we had to design our own religions. We got randomly divided into groups of three and since it was against most people’s religion to design a religion (yawn), there weren’t very many people there, so only 4 groups were made. Three of those groups designed very serious religions revolving around universal harmony and personal development. My group, the fourth and final one, designed a very different religion indeed…
The name of our religion was Kilngip, and we, the Kilngipians worshipped our God, Kilngipi. Our creation myth had it that Kilngipicus, the founder of our religion, got a message inside a fairy cake that told him to take the train to Stains and find a mountain of sugar located behind the local Tesco there. Once there, he dived deep inside the sugar mountain and found the Unificocoa cake and from there, founded our religion.
Our target audience, we decided, was anyone with a sweet tooth and all those that love celebrations. We will assimilate everyone by appropriating all celebrations, since what good celebration doesn’t have cake? And what successful religion doesn’t appropriate existing celebrations? We also think that children and old women might be particularly open to us.
Our religious symbol was to be a snow globe with a Unificocoa cake inside of it and our religious costume was to be a pinny with a plastic bib attached to catch crumbs, since crumb dropping is seen as a mortal sin.
Our leadership was to be decided by weekly cake bakes and the winner would lead the religion for that particular week. These bake-offs would be held on Wedthurs, which is the day between Wednesday and Thursday. Our basic message was that everyone should eat cake and be happy, and we explained suffering by a lack of cake, diabetes or a general sugar intolerance. The last two were caused by the dropping of crumbs.
We are financed by our extremely profitable company that makes exceedingly good cakes and in general, our relations to wider society are good, but there are occasional moments when we get accused of causing obesity, but we say this is offset by the fact that cake makes you happy and tastes good.
We would recruit by going to church bake sales and giving away our cakes for free and with subliminal messages like, “cake is the answer”, which is kind of the tactic I took in order to make my team mates go along with my idea so as we didn’t have to be all boring and serious like the rest of class. We also have celebrity endorsement in the form of 50 Cent, who provides us with our motto: “We love you like a fat kid loves cake.”
We even went as far to have a prophecy, which was found inside a meringue, and that is that there will be at some point in the future a religious war between us and weight watchers. We will win, of course, because we are fatter and pumped up on sugar.
I love my degree and as the year closes and I am stressed with exams and essays, I enjoyed that class as a reminder as to why. 