Sunday, 29th August 2004
Reality Check
I came across this in a magazine yesterday at P&G’s. The ability to laugh at oneself is TANTAMOUNT to life I think. 
Saturday, 28th August 2004
Ants in pants
Before I make my real point, I want to note that you are some lucky bitches - the world was about to come to an end for all but 3 of you very soon as I hadn’t received a single letter all week. This is unacceptable. Inexcusable. Totally NOT right on. However, Mister La Poste performed an act of salvation for all of you when he gave me my postcard from Monica as I was walking Mishka this morning. You are some lucky, lucky bitches…
My real point though, is to make a definite mark of accusation toward myself - I am a obsessive. I cannot stop perusing university websites. I want to go and I want to go now. I’d apply through clearing for September entry if I didn’t have my children to think about…
I’m always like that with decisions. I’ll think about them for years and years and then one day, something will happen and snap, I’ll do what I have been thinking about immediately. Being as I never really articulate the decision I am pondering, people often have issues believing I am going to do it. For example, no one believed I was going to leave London, and it was the same when I left Philly. So, I want to move back to London, I want to start school and I want to do this now. But, of course, I can’t go now. I have to wait. I have to find, by some act of god, patience inside of me. I have to wait one whole bloody year for something I want now. How the hell am I going to manage that..?
And I am so ill equipped to go back now. Before I had good credit, lots of part-time cash in hand work, a council flat with incredibly cheap rent and access to student loans and grants to cover tuition fees. Now I have bad credit, no home, no jobs and it is doubtful that I would receive any loans or grants since I have already received them.
But still I really want to do this.
One of the things said to me, that still reverberate around my head so many years later, was spoken by the Male Monster - “You always do things the hard way.” And how right he was, how right he is. I am starting to question myself as to whether I don’t have some inbuilt need for struggle? I know that when something is easy for me, I loose interest. I like only that which I can’t comprehend, have difficulties with, that takes effort and energy and some sense of achievement. I don’t, it seems, want an easy life in that way…
So I am obsessing over university. I am unable to think about anything other than it, my “new” life back in London and I don’t even have the prospectus’ I ordered yet! I have decided to apply properly through UCAS for September 2005 entry to places like SOAS, Kings College and Goldsmiths. I am thinking that since I have already completed one year at London Metropolitan, I don’t have to formally reapply for them, but since I am waiting for a response from them, I am not sure. They are my back up plan. I really want that BA in Religion that is offered at SOAS, but I also don’t think I have a hope in hell of being accepted there or anywhere else for that matter. So, I am going to use London Metropolitan as a fall back and change my degree from a joint hons in Women’s Studies and Communications & Cultural Studies to WS and Ethics. Yes!
I was going to try to get Fiona, my Spiritual Mum to evict her tenants from her flat so as I could live there, but alas, she has just sold it. However, I reckon Peter will let me sleep on his couch provided I take him to prayer meetings. Hahahahaaa. Can you imagine this - me taking communion with my “Cunts are the origin of humanity” t-shirt on. Hahahahahahha. I’m sorry Catholicism, but if you didn’t have such beautiful art, I wouldn’t pick on you. 
And this all from someone who said they never wanted to set foot in the UK again. I said I hated London and the UK and that I would never live there again. Well, I changed my fucking mind, okay buddy!!! I want another jar of brains poured into my skull. I want books and libraries and new information. I want learning and I want it now and I want a wonderful solution to the problem of my babies.
So uhh, hey you, you rich bitch in London that’s reading this - hire me! Give me a home and be my lordette and saviour and finance my way through Uni. I will grow fresh tomatoes and basil for you! I will make you jam and I promise that I will never grow another excessively fruiting courgette plant again in my life…