Friday, 31st October 2003
Uncertainty and assumptions
I was writing a letter to someone today, (work was dead), and I realised something really important about myself.
It comes with the consistent experience right now that life is simply a collection of variables around the concept of uncertainty. That’s something I have always hated about life. I am such a definite person, so stoically Taurean, so dependable, so certain, so grounded and of the earth. I find it really hard to accept that I can not control my life. That I cannot control my body. That I cannot predetermine how things are going to turn out by the name on the side of the road…
So recently I have had a lesson in uncertainty. A Major Lesson. It seems that my other Major Lesson earlier this year, my inconclusive breast cancer results was not enough for me. I’ve had to go for another one and from it have sprung a series of smaller, but impactful removals of my certainty…
And so I realised today, you know, how much I took for granted in the world. I took for granted that certain people were my friends, I took for granted that certain people were simply my acquaintances, I took for granted that my body was the one fucking thing I have control over, and all of these have proved wrong…
I’ve got to stop with the assumptions and remember that everything will let you down and / or elevate you given the proper circumstances. I’ve been so incredibly naive to believe otherwise…
Thursday, 30th October 2003
Before I Say Goodbye…
I’m leaving shortly to go watch [edit] and listen to Laguardia at the Khyber, but before I say goodbye, I want to say the following things…
Whilst it maybe a trite old cliché, it is certainly true that when things fall apart, you find out who your friends are. I have been both violently shocked and pleasantly surprised at the turn of this month…
I quit smoking for an immediate reason and it is fear of judgement that forbids me from writing about it here. I know that fear, I name it and I call it to be unjust to me and the rest of the us. Give me a moment whilst I take a deep breath and I will be back for why…
People are harder on a Woman who gets angry. Women that sob and weep are allowed in the world, but Women who shout are forbidden. That is unjust and I am tired of the judgement that falls over me from living my life and processing my experiences in the way that is intrinsic to me. I am not a crier, I am a ranter and that is that…
In closing I want to send all the love in Philadelphia to e.b., Sao, the Geegy Monster and [edit] and tell you that this is the 20th day that I have not smoked.