Tuesday, 30th September 2003
I am POPULAR!!!
Holy cunt loving life do specimens of humanity seem to love this digital manifestation of me. I just ran my stats for this month and I had 151,120 hits. Woooohooo! :multi: :greenfire:
In other news work has been shite and I haven’t had enough alone time of late.
Sorry Anonymous Englishman for your AWOL letter. 
And for those that are in the Illadelph, be sure to come see Mach22 play tomorrow night at Doc Watson’s tomorrow night. Buy me beer.
Monday, 29th September 2003
All of you are freaks.
It started off in a bar that I would never ordinarily go to - Whiskey Dix. If that bar isn’t the worst fucking place in the bloody world, it’s only because Coyote Ugly exists. I walked in and there were 40 year old white trash women covered in 10 inches of makeup with their fucking hideous cellulite hanging out of their daisy dukes and over their jeans, shaking the blubber to the most hideously ugly and perverted men I have ever had the exceptionally unlucky luck of having to be around. The women were hula hooping and I was almost afraid that the blubber would fly off and coat the walls. It was gross. The teevee was playing porn and so whenever I looked at the bar I got an eyeful of anal sex. Not really my cup of tea as it goes…
The bar was like a movie. It’s a themed bar but I had the horrible realisation that the people in there didn’t understand that. They believed in the bandannas and the bras on the chandeliers and the horns nailed to the walls. They thought it was real. They thought it was life. They thought that when they woke up in the morning, life will be like that. It isn’t. They made me afraid because they didn’t have any understanding of the roles they were playing…
So why was I there..? I went to see a band that I will not even comment on as they were so bad that I couldn’t even dislike them. There was nothing there. Blander than the most blandy bland thing that never left a residue in your mouth.
We left in the middle of their set and went to Tattooed Mom’s with 3 acquaintances of my cohort for the evening. One of them was in the adult entertainment industry and asked me if I wanted a job. He offered me $20 an hour. I was speechless. $20 an hour to be a porn star??? $20 FUCKING DOLLARS??? Granted it was probably just voice overs as it was my accent he was after, but $20 FUCKING DOLLARS??? I don’t know what kind of poverty ridden person he must have assumed I was, but there is no fucking way I would do porn for $20 fucking dollars an hour. It would have to be at least $23…
So we get to Tattooed Mom’s and I sit downstairs talking to my beloved Jay. About half way into my beer, the three porno people get kicked out for overturning chairs and tables. I am not a destructive person so I think that was wack of them. And on top of that BARS ARE YOUR FRIEND!!! Why do something mean to such a place of sweet utter oblivion and joy..?
Then we go to Ruba, and things just carry on getting wearder and wearder. Apparently, the fact that I am a BAVA and have been since the demise of TB Gami, means that my pheromones are some potent batches. Everybody wanted to shag me. No, like EVERYBODY. I kept running from one person to the next random stranger trying to find someone that didn’t want some Cunt Juice and I COULDN’T FIND THEM. Oh wait, I did find one dude who I started talking to because the preppy dude wouldn’t take, “No, I have absolutely no desire to go out with you at all. No, I mean ever. No.” as an answer. He then lectured me on the appropriate way to shut a man down immediately. Evidently that’s something I need to master.
I forget who I was running from at one point but I turned to a Woman for safety who just so happened to have randy shag type thoughts about me as well. Then she and her friend made me go into the bathroom with them and they both showed me their jiggle bags. The one had just had pink hearts tattooed on her nipples and I wanted to scream with the remembered pain of my nipple piercing. The randy tanky shag me pleasey Woman then showed me how large her nipples were. And they were. Large that is…
Then my cohort went CRAZY and started picking me up and spinning me around and carrying me all over the bar. He just went fucking MENTAL and scared me to the point that I had to run to a dude that I don’t even particularly like for safety.
EVERYBODY IS CRAZY EXCEPT FOR ME.
YES, THIS IS THE ONLY TRUE TRUTH THAT EXISTS.
ALL OF YOU OUT THERE ARE FUCKING FREAKS.
I AM NORMAL.
Needless to say, I didn’t get home until about 3.30am and I forgot to set the alarm. I was late for work again.
This entry is not half as wild and crazy and funny as I intended it to be. 
I will go back to Whiskey Dix one day though. Or I might, I might that is if I ever forget that I am beautiful, smart and brave…