Someone I once knew had a room-mate who would make potential lovers fill out forms, so as she could know whether she was interested in them without wasting much time and energy. At the time I thought she was psychopathic, but now I think she might have been onto something.

A long time ago, when I worked at Off-Centre, Ross the Boss told me I would never find someone because I was too picky. Well guess what Ross, I took your advice, became less picky, and consequentially let a stream of fuckwits into my life. Your advice sucks with a capital CRAP. I don’t know what possessed me to take it, so I shall attribute it to youthful ignorance and a slight masochistic streak.

Really though, when I was “picky”, (read: had high standards), I never found anyone I liked. When I became more flexible about the men I would choose to be involved with, I never found anyone I liked and got fucked over and hurt to boot. Yay! In a few weeks, I’ll be 30 and to celebrate, I am returning to my pre-Ross high standards with an renewed vigour and attitude. Any patience I did have, which was tenuous at best, is now deader than the deadest door mouse who ever met Baby Naima.

Recently Cindylu asked “what is important to you in a partner?” Well, inspired by her question, here are the 32 ways to my heart:

Compassion and sensitivity: This, as I recently learnt, is mighty important, because if I ever hear another person say something as fucked up as “rape happens to too many women for me to be bothered about it”, I will probably set fire to their face.

Intelligence: Important. Very importanter - you must also use the intelligence you have. This is because I do not want to hear another whining man say something like, “you think you’re so intellectually superior.” I didn’t before, but guess what dipshit, I sure do now.

Anti Sexism: You must not, in any way, shape or form, buy into gender stereotypes. If you expect me to cook, clean or mother you simply because I am a woman, I will expect you to shove your head in a football shaped blender, since you are obviously a walking carcass of brain dead man flesh. Sexism is a no-no guys. Very unattractive.

Anti Racism: If you are a cracker, you will be acutely aware of your white privilege and be actively seeking to combat all expressions of racism in your life. If you are a person of colour, you will not think that whiteys are the devil, half-lizard, cave dwellers or any other ridiculous notions like that. I am not interested in racists at all.

Anti Homophobia: If you are in any way homophobic, I have a nice canister of petrol for you to drink. And oh look, what’s this? A match.

Politics: You have to lean left although you do not have to be particularly political. Politics are the domain of the liar and so I will not mind if your precious, sensitive soul is repulsed by it all. Mine is.

Religion: I don’t mind if you have a god, just don’t try to make me have one. Ideally you will be open to having conversations about the nature of religion. If you are an atheist, you will not assume this makes you intelligent by default.

Sex: Male. Until, that is, they develop that lesbian serum, then ladies, I’m all yours! Meow. Also, you must have an active sex drive.

Open Mind: If you hadn’t guessed, it’s imperative you have one. You must tolerate everything but intolerance.

Honesty: If you are not committed to telling the truth, you can go swallow some ground glass.

Bravery: If you are a coward, you can go drink the cyanide smoothie I left you in the kitchen.

Responsibility: You must be completely responsible for your words, thoughts and deeds. If you mess up - own that shit. If you do good - reap the rewards.

Passionate: You must have passion and enthusiasm for life. We do not have to share the same passion, but you must have something you are actively passionate about.

Self: If you are self-absorbed, self-obsessed and in any way selfish, you can grow a fake vagina and leave the naturally endowed alone. An ability to see issues from other perspectives is imperative. Please think outside yourself regularly.

Humour: You MUST find me hilarious. I am a comedic genius and if you do not recognise this, you can go rot your teeth on a bag full of bitter lemons. You should be, at the VERY least, mildly amusing. Oh, your joke repertoire must not revolve around gays, other races, other religions, the opposite sex or any such nonsense.

Children: You must not have any, nor want any. You must be willing to get a vasectomy if we make it beyond the first date, which is, I concede, highly unlikely.

Temperament: You must not be bitter, cynical or jaded at all. You must be optimistic, but not blindly so. You must be willing to fight for things you believe in.

Books: You must read books; magazines do not count. Additionally, reading crime fiction, horror and romance does not count either. In fact, it counts against you.

Music: You don’t necessarily have to love the same bands as me, but music itself needs to be important to you. In happy skippy land, we love the same kind of music and go to live shows together often.

Art: You should like going to museums and galleries and have a strong sense of your own aesthetics. You must also agree that Ikea does not equal design and that it is only permissible to shop there if you cannot trash pick or are too poor to shop elsewhere.

Materialism: If you are trying to accumulate lots and lots of objects in your life, you can witness the disbursement of me. I’m not interested in you if the contents of your home are more important than the contents of your heart. On that note, introspection is a must.

Active: I am entirely uninterested in you if you spend your free time watching the telly or playing video games. If you are apathetic in any way, you can shove your finger into an electrical socket until you wake up.

Travel: You must to love to travel.

Cats: You have to like cats. It would greatly improve your chances with me if you loved them.

Vegetarian: Preferred, but not necessary. However, you must not belittle my choice as so many of you meat eating murderers are wont to do.

Solitude: You must respect my need for it.

Dress Sense: You should never, ever tuck your shirt or t-shirt into your trousers. You should also never wear black jeans or dress shoes. Your aforementioned sense of aesthetics means you dress attractively. I do not like smartly dressed men at all. If you have to dress smart for your job, I will permit it so long as you throw off the chains and bondage of a corporate life as soon as you get home from work. Metrosexual style is also a big turn off.

Habitat: You are equally at home in the countryside and the city.

Physique: You will not be obese. The trimmer the better. I must find you attractive and I am not attracted to obesity.

Tattoos: Ideally you will be covered in good ink and have a 6 pack, but I will consider you without them. It would, however, greatly improve your chances with me if you are a very talented tattoo artist with a burning desire to cover my body in colour in your spare time.

Hobbies and Interests: It would greatly improve your chances with the Tank if you are, or were, a skater, BMXer, motocross rider or any other X Games type mannie. You can fly baby, you can fly!

Name: If your name is Johnny Depp, Maynard James Keenan or Brad Pitt, some of the above may be negotiable.

April 5th, 2005 | Category: Omnium Gatherum, The Dordogne | Subscribe to comments | Both comments and pings are currently closed