I was talking with a friend a few weeks back about being alone in the universe. About no matter how much we love or are loved, there is not a single soul that shares our experience and can truthfully say, “I understand” about every facet of our existence…

This brought us to the topic of loss, as a fundamental part of her character was formed by the loss of her grandmother. She has pieces missing in a way I cannot understand. I have lost my grandmother, both grandfathers and a brother, but none of that affected me tragically. I was too young to really process the loss of my granddads and I wasn’t really close with my nan to mourn in the way my friend does. I was only 2 when my brother died and whilst his death definitely changed a lot of things in my life, it wasn’t due to a sense of loss on my behalf…

So I have been watching another friend’s struggle with her Mums illness and have been feeling really powerless to do or say anything to make things better. I understand that there is never anything one can say to truly make things better, but I wished I at least knew how to make a gesture. She finally lost her Mum a couple of days ago and I still don’t know what to say. I just can’t understand what Jasmine is going through in any way, shape or form. Whilst, in the most selfish sense, I am infinitely glad for that, it also leaves me feeling impotent and uncomfortable…

Everything becomes a clich? of sorts and I don’t want to open my mouth and say some stupid, meaningless thing about being sorry or her Mum being better off for the ending of pain. You heart just goes out to these people and you find them just a little bit more different. And whilst I love difference, in times of crisis we need to find our commonalities…

So the first friend I referred to said that we make trade-offs in our relationships. I can never understand her loss of her Nan, but there are so many other integral parts of her that I can empathise with and that is good enough for the both of us. It becomes a question of whether the trade off is worth it or not? I hope Jaz has someone who understands her now. And if she had to make a trade-off to get it, I hope it was worth it for her. I hope that if she wakes up in the middle of the night and everything really fucking hurts that there is someone there who can really fucking hurt with her…

January 21st, 2004 | Category: Blood and Guts, Philadelphia | Subscribe to comments | Both comments and pings are currently closed