So here’s the entry in which I explain why I closed down the site again. If you come here often, (can I buy you a beer?), and have an IQ over 0.003, you will most likely have figured out the why already. If not, let the picture to the left give you hint…

See that pretty blue and silver ring? That was my engagement ring. Get it? Good…

So yes, Asher the now much less than Smasher, backed out. I am no longer getting married.

I am trying to think of the best way to phrase this. I think that mostly I just blame myself. The whole reason I did not want to get seriously involved with him was because of his age. I really did not believe that a 21 year old was of a valuable enough mind state to be able to make a decision for himself and stick to it. He convinced me otherwise and I was proved right. I mean honestly, what the hell was I thinking..?

However, at the same time, that kind of mentality is hard for me to accept. Since I was able to communicate the slightest thing about myself, I have been very self-willed. Even as a very small child, much to my parents chagrin, I made a decision and stuck to it. That’s just Who I Am, and as such I have a hard time wrapping my head around the kind of person who can be swayed by other peoples opinions…

And, you know, this is yet another situation where I ignored my gut feelings and found out, to my detriment, how stupid an idea that was…

He told me that he was unsure the night of February 15th. The Foot and I had picked him up to go to a par-tay. As he walked to the car, I knew something was wrong. It turns out that his parents were against it for a plethora of reasons I can’t be bothered to go into, but all demonised me. What upset me then was that I noticed, as he retold his conversations with them, that he didn’t defend me against statements he knows to be untruths…

I was numb. I remember crawling backwards against a wall and pulling my knees to my chest. I think I still am numb, cynicism can do that to you. In my heart though, I knew it was over and I said to him as such. He asked me to convince him and I refused. You cannot convince someone to do something without detrimental ramifications. He would come to resent me were I to use my power to exert my decision onto and over his…

So he went away on tour to Japan for a couple of weeks. I got a very short email 3 or 4 days after he returned and heard nothing more for nearly another week. At that point I left a very curt message on his answer phone to which he responded. He came round last Wednesday and here is an abbreviated approximation of the conversation:

Me: So, where is your head at? Have you made a decision?
He: Umm, no, I’m still really unsure, I just don’t know. But, umm, I’m moving to California.
Me: Errr, well, doesn’t that give me your answer?
He: I guess so yeah…

(Insert maniacal, incredulous laughter inside my head. :blink: :wacko:)

Later on I ask him how he feels and he says he is upset and angry. Apparently he blames me because of what I said the night of the party. He says that he really hadn’t made up his mind and me telling him what my instincts told me, made him so angry that he didn’t want to do it.

Now that’s where I take issue with everything…

I will not take the blame for this, at all. And if anyone has the right to be angry, it is me.

And it’s a shame, because before he tried to blame me, I really did want to maintain a friendship with the kid. I really do love and respect him as a person outside of his recent role in my life. I truly do believe he is a good person, just incredibly young and brimming with all the impetuousness that youth implies and in this case, confirms. But now I am just angry and bitter that he can’t even accept the responsibility for his actions. In fact, I really don’t think he understands *what* he has done…

So I have to emotionally remove myself from him and the situation and hope that if I bury this one deep enough then I won’t be too jaded. The problem is that there is so much buried inside of me now, everything is coming closer to the surface. There is only so much you can swallow before you explode with exhaustion…

The other unfortunate(?) thing is that I had moved into the bigger apartment that I really can’t afford by myself. I love this space so much and in some senses am really glad I moved, but now I am left trying to manage on a budget of $100 a week. That’s $200 less than I am used to spending and I am not doing very well with it. On top of that, I just discovered, (extra-super late pass), ebay…

So I’ll bounce back, I always do, and quickly - that’s one of the marvels of me. But I’ll come back a little more stained, a little more angry and a little more full of a general loathing of humanity…

This is kind of like a fin…

March 18th, 2003 | Category: Blood and Guts, Philadelphia | Subscribe to comments | Both comments and pings are currently closed