Emergency Rooms are Bad…
Yesterday I decided it was high time to investigate my blue balls in a professional manner, and being that I don’t have a Doctor in this country, I went to the ER. I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT NO ONE EVER BOTHERS TO DO THIS. I did not have a good experience. So lets see, to begin to relate…
After seeing the triage nurse, I was taken back to see the Doctor(?) and re-gave him my list of symptoms, the primary one being, of course, my blue balls. So the Doctor(?) gets me to take my trousers off and proceeds to prod and poke these highly tender balls of mine. “Hmm,” says he, “this feels like an incarcerated hernia.” “A WHAT???”, shout I, how the fizuck do I have one of those? So he breaks down this whole shebang as to how in Women we have these track like things where testicle stuff would be in mannies. Sometimes this area is congenitally weak and so will rupture at some point in a Woman’s life causing her immense pain and blue balls. I explain that I did no lifting or anything to get a hernia and he says it doesn’t matter, that’s what you have and I think you will be admitted overnight and have surgery on it in the morning. SURGERY??? Holy fucking cunt. I thought I just had a virus or something and now you are saying that I have to be cut open and have bits of me removed. Fuck me sideways with a pogo stick, this wasn’t what I was expecting…
To double check he decided to do a pap smear on me and whilst I am glad they have one of those new fangled plastic cunt clamp things, those shits are never fun and he verifies that there is definitely nothing wrong with my cunt and/or womb. Then he proceeds to shove two fingers up my cunt and press upwards inside my womb and with the heel of his other hand push down with all his might. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMMENSE AGONY THIS CAUSED ME??? My blue balls hurt if you fucking breath heavy on them and this fat unklekerfucker was using brute force from inside and outside my body. I didn’t know whether I was gonna cry, vomit or punch his fucking face in. “I’m just trying to push the hernia back in”, says he. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH”, say I. Lo and behold, the blue balls didn’t go back in. Mind you, he completely ignored the right one and just decided that it didn’t exist and was only fucking with the lefty. He’s probably a republican or something and was thinking, “DEATH TO ALL INDEPENDENT THOUGHT” as he did it…
So then the nurse comes in and proceeds to take 6 test tubes of my blood and then leaves to go and get Zame who is in the waiting room. Oh and check this, I look down as she is taking the blood, SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY GLOVES ON. They leave a test-tube of blood on the table and a swab of my vaginal fluids. They were still there when left at 2am this morning. (Why didn’t I take a photo of that..?) Then I have to go and get X-Rays and when I come back in the room he comes running in after me and starts talking about my nipple ring and the ‘games’ Zame and I must play. WTF KIND OF SHIT IS THAT??? THIS MAN JUST HAD HIS HAND AND FACE UP MY CUNT AND NOW HE IS SEXUALISING ME. Thank the fucking cunt Zame was there, otherwise I would have felt really intimidated…
So the surgeons come and prod and poke and ascertain that it can’t be a hernia because both sides are swollen. I have blue balls, not a blue ball. They ask my symptoms and say that it sounds like I have mono. They ask if I have had a mono test, I say no, and one looks at the other and says, “See what I told you about this guy?” Ummm, meaning, what..? Then another surgeon comes down, does the same rigmarole over again and comes to the same conclusion of mono. They also say that a hernia comes from heavy lifting or some other strenuous thing. I come to the conclusion that the original Doctor(?) is on crack…
So the original Doctor(?) comes back and says, “Well, the surgeons say it isn’t a hernia and don’t want to operate. I still think it is and you would think they would listen to me since I have been here the longest and have more seniority than them, but they don’t want to cut into you when it might just be an infection because that will just make matters worse.” So then he pulls Zame out of the room and tells him that quite often people come into the ER and he doesn’t know what is wrong with them, maybe it’s just a cold or something, so he gives them antibiotics. He says that he thinks there is definitely something wrong with me and so he is going to give me antibiotics. He then starts insinuating that I am sleeping around and that I probably have the clap and so he gives Zame a prescription too. WTF??? I do not have the fucking clap. My Cunt is healthy, I just have blue balls. Then he tells Zame that if we both take the antibiotics we should be back to our sex games by the weekend. Can you believe this guy..?
So he and Zame come back into the room with Zame looking all crazy, the Doctor(?) gives me 7 antibiotic pills that I have to take there and then and then they finally take the IV out. It proceeds to splurt blood all over the floor and the dumb arse nurse tries to mop it up with STICKY TAPE. “Opps,” says she, “it’s one of those days today.”
So here I am the day after, still no mono test, my blue balls are even bigger, and I have no fucking idea what is wrong with me.
What a fucking experience…
